he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
