wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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