i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
