Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
