ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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