Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I can't put those talents on a resume
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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