I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize