SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
