Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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