Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
