Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
