Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
