im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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