I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
