I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
