I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
