My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
either way he was missing a nipple.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
