I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
