Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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