Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
