dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
