Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
