If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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