I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
