Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Randomize
