all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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