I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
