Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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