They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
