i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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