Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
