Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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