The maid of honor just puked.
People in love make me want to vomit
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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