Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
