Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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