Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
