she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
