Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
