Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
