i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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