A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
