the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
The best revenge is premature balding
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
