This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
