seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Bring me that man meat
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
