All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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