When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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