there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
