I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
