Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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