i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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