I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Randomize
