I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
