I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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