I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
