i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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