If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
