well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
