dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
