you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
