so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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