I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
