Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
