Whatcha textin bout Willis?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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