and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
